Monday, 29 December 2008

learning to love you more

I've been inspired by a book my mum got me for Christmas. It's basically the outcomes of - check it out if you don't know what it is. On good days I may complete some of the tasks. So there may be some art on here once again...........
I've been having good days, followed by a few bad days. And I've been trouble sleeping. I can't get to sleep until 2 or 3am, then I wake up pretty much every hour until about 1pm...
I'm not sure what to do about uni. I've missed basically a whole term now, and although I've applied for extenuating circumstances and part time attendance, I'm not sure I want to go back this year. I don't know if I can handle uni this year as it's an added pressure and I just want to get better first, then think about uni.
I saw my doctor on Christmas eve and she's referred me to an endocrinologist (I think that's right..) for more tests. And I have an appointment with the CFS/ME specialist in mid january.


Friday, 12 December 2008

the reason i've been absent from life lately..

for years i've felt exhausted.
everyone gets tired sometimes, but generally i've felt completely drained. tired all the way to my core. it's a whole other level of tiredness.
recently, over the past couple of months, it's got a lot worse. most days i'm only out of bed for a few hours and everything tires me out completely. it feels like my body is just giving up.
i've been having blood tests for all sorts of things but nothing has come of it so far. my mum has been doing a lot of research and after initially thinking it is chronic fatigue syndrome/ME, we now think it could be hypothyroidism, which is basically a hormone problem caused by the thyroid gland. it doesn't sound like much, but just a slight change can affect you in a big way.
we've been researching online and a lot of the symptoms seem to match, including:
slowed speech
impaired memory
impaired cognitive function (brain fog)
increased sensitivity to heat and cold
low temperature
dry skin
puffy face
brittle hair and nails
anemia, impaired iron and folate absorption
slowed metabolism
abnormal apetite
fatigue (physical)
anxiety/panic attacks
increased need for sleep
joint pain
abnormal menstrual cycles
mood instability
poor muscle tone (muscle hypotonia)
decreased libido

a lot of these symptoms match, so i'm seeing my doctor in the next couple of weeks and hopefully being referred to a specialist. i'm hoping there is some way of being able to tell how long this has affected me but i'm not sure they will. if this is what i have i'll have to be on medication for the rest of my life :(
it is not life threatening, but myxedema coma, the most severe (and rare) form of hypothyroidism can result in death. it may be caused by an infection, illness, exposure to cold, or certain medications in people with untreated hypothyroidism. but i'm sure it won't come to that.
it would be so nice to know what is actually wrong with me so that i can start getting better and back on track.
it really feels like everyone around me is having a brilliant time and getting really stuck into uni and working hard and doing well, and i'm just stuck here. i feel like i'm getting left behind and everyone is looking forward to exciting times ahead and all i can see is this, forever. it's so frustrating. some days i just lie in bed and cry. i find it really difficult and embarrassing to talk to people about it, as i don't really know what's wrong and people think i'm just being lazy.
i'm trying to look forward to christmas and not dwell on it too much. it's hard though. especially when you're getting zero support from someone who is supposed to be your best friend. i am very grateful for my mother to support me.
on the days i do feel well enough to get up and do a little something, i've been making christmas cards and cats. i'm hoping if nothing else, i can be a little business of sorts making these while i don't have the energy or concentration to do anything else. here is a cat i made and gave to my housemate/graphic designer ash:
go and visit his site

i may also make a book to get out how i'm feeling. i need to vent somehow!